Welcome to the first installment of my new Ask a Life Coach Q&A series. For a quick background on the series, check out this post. Have questions of your own? Send 'em on over. I am always collecting questions for future columns!
My problem is that I'm in love with my best friend. I have been for a few years now. He was my best friend first, and then I fell for him. He knows this - he's known about as long as I have. He had feelings for me too, but not as strong, and, well, I live in Southern California, and he lives in Vancouver, Canada. A long distance friendship is one thing, but he doesn't want a long distance relationship, which is fine.
He is generally perpetually single. He's not the type to go there unless he really feels it. Something happened between him and one of his friends, and they're now thinking about it becoming something more. And he's told me because A) he should be able to talk to me about important things going on in his life (my opinion) and B) he doesn't think it would be right not to tell, to lie and keep it quiet, in some weird idea of trying to spare my feelings.
I don't want our friendship to have conditions. He's being really awesome, when he could just say "I'm over this drama." It's his friendship too, and he's got what's happening with me to deal with on top of trying to work out how he feels about his other friend and what to do there. I just want to fix this, and it's just so unbelievably hard.
So the question I have is... is there anything else I can do? In a state of mind kind of way? I'm not sure what other actual action I can take, and letting go of our friendship is non-negotiable. I know I'll probably always love him, but this has got to get easier. For our friendship to survive, but also for me - I'm not going to be able to find someone of my own when I'm so hung up on him. I don't know what else to do.
Lost in Love
First, this sucks. It's that simple. There's a level of heartache that you're going to have to overcome before moving on. So give yourself time to miss him. Watch lots of tv. Eat ice cream for breakfast. Cry to your mom. Let yourself be sad and do what it takes...
And then, it's time to focus on Y-O-U. It's time to go out and do all of those crazy things you've been dreaming about. Want to climb a mountain? Start training! Want to write the next great novel? Let's hear those fingers tip-tapping on your keyboard. Ready to learn to salsa dance? Sign up for that class - NOW.
It might feel forced at first, but the best way to overcome the sad is to dive into your life. All the way. You get to move on too. And while you and your bestie may never have the same friendship again, you can celebrate what you did have and send him love and light from afar...while you focus your attention back on yourself.
You deserve SO MUCH MORE than unrequited love. You will find someone who loves you back 100% the way you deserve to be loved. And when you do, this guy will become a blip. Still someone you care about but no longer someone you dream of making out with.
Diving in is the first step.
You've got this. I know it.
Shine on, you crazy diamond.