friday's confession: I'm becoming a flake
Flakey flakey pie crust. That's what I'm turning into: a flake.
And, man, oh man, I have a really, REALLY hard time with this, because let me tell you this: I am no flake. I do not let people down. I am that girl who takes care of all her stuff and everyone else and does it effortlessly.
I am the hostess with the mostess for everything I do.
Except when I'm not. Or when I can't be. Or when I just don't want to be.
I told my coach back in January that I felt like I was riding a unicycle and trying to juggle too many things. And in that, there are so many fears: dropping balls (ha! it always comes back to balls, doesn't it?), having them all falling down on top of me, staying balanced, crashing the unicycle into the wall...all of these things come up.
And that just isn't a good way to live. Because I'm so busy trying to keep everything moving, keep all the balls in the air, to even notice what's going on around me and how really fucking great my life is.
I realized recently that I have a choice in this life I've created for myself. I can just get off the unicycle and stand on my own two feet. I can choose (gasp!) to put some of my balls down. I can even choose (double gasp!) to put all the balls down for a bit and spend the evening watching hours and hours of Gossip Girl. Hypothetically, of course.
And I can choose to say, "I'm so sorry, but I'm not going to be able to do that right now" or "I would love to see you too, but I've got too much on my plate" or "It does suck, and I do miss you too, but I'm currently jumping head first into starting a business and selling my art, and that's my priority right now."
And if that makes me a flake, then I'm going to own that. Because by not saying it and owning it, I do things like stretch myself thin which results in my missing appointments and calls and things that I really want to do. Because there's not enough room in my brain for all of it.
Because I have a choice. I always have a choice.
And because I can just be.